if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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