I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
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