finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
