Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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