im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
Randomize
