So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
pop tarts are not kleenex
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
