Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
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