it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Randomize
