Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Randomize
