A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Randomize
