Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
How external is "for external use only"?
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
