Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
