i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Randomize
