guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Randomize
