She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Randomize
