Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I love how my cats smell like pot.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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