Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
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