I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
