How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
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