I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
