Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize
