You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
