he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Randomize
