She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Randomize
