i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"