I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
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the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
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Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..