She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(