We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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