I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
kill, fuck, marry: alice cullen, hermione granger, ginny weasley.
damn... fuck alice for sure, I feel bad but i think I have to say marry ginny... and kill hermoine! I can't believe I'm answering this right now.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".