Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize
