apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
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