My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
