I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
he wants to bone in the snuggie
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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