3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
