Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
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