he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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