i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
