If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
You smell like stripper and shame
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
