we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
