My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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