Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Randomize
