just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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