guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
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