I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
