I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
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