just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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