We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
