When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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