There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
