I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
