i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
