there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
i have a lot of questions about the picture quality/lighting/motion/gravity of the balls...
Randomize
