I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
