I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Randomize
