we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
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