i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
pray to the hookup gods
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
