You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
i want to swaddle you in tequila
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
I just forgot I was standing up.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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