Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Randomize
