Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Randomize
