i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
It was confusing and full of hummus
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Randomize
