Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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