I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
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