I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
