DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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