yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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