Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
