I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Come on in and take your pants off
Randomize
