I accidentally had phone sex last night
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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