The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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