Please, let me fuck your mom
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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