Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
I checked into jail on foursquare
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
