Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
